In search of a calm place.

Spring & summer have been hectic & I’ve been taking the opportunity to find calm spaces where I can.

Alt text: A flower bed against a backdrop of a brick wall & hanging lights. The bed is filled with purple & white flowers, lavender & yellow flowers. In the centre is a small, round, stone birdbath. There is a commemorative plaque leaning against the brick wall amongst the flowers – grey slate with white writing but the text can’t be read.

These last few months have tired me out more than ever. My cancer treatment seems to be taking its toll on me. I don’t think that I’ve changed anything in particular, but I have had really bad back pain for which I had to seek help in A &E. I was sent home with pain relief but not many answers. After much wrangling, chasing & waiting, I had a full spine MRI scan in July. Since being seen in A & E to having the scan, it’s been four months. It’s the 6th month & I still haven’t got the results. The MRI experience was awful but I’m not ready to talk about it yet, except to say that I’m only meant to be in the scanner for 30 minutes because of my breathing, & my bad back. I was left in there for over an hour. I had to have oxygen. I have made a complaint. I hope they learn lessons.

I’m having ongoing issues with being sick & having a bad stomach ache. I had a really bad bout of Norovirus mid-July which didn’t help matters & I just can’t seem to get better. I know all of this could be signs of other cancer, so I promise that I’ve been vigilant & reported it all in. My GP is very good & “on it” as they say. But the NHS waiting lists are long.

For the first time ever, the optician said she saw something flat at the back of my eye, probably a birth mark & that she wasn’t worried at all about it, so I shouldn’t be in any way stressed about it either – but I still had to get it checked. Yep, that wasn’t at all reassuring! Two months later & I’m still waiting for an appointment at Moorfields Eye Hospital.

But finally I did have a pre-op assessment for a minor non-cancer related procedure that I need to have under general anesthetic. I’ve only been waiting since February…no date for the operation yet though!

My partner & I also moved out for a month so that part of our flat could be renovated. We lived in budget hotels for a month which sounds fun but wasn’t. We both got sick. Our backs hurt. We were stoic about it but I was very homesick. All I could bear was coming home once a week to do my washing. We’ve learnt that we can’t stay away from home for long periods anymore. We’re not built physically or mentally for it at our age.

Yet the refurbishment needed to be done. My mobility has really changed & even though our flat is wonderfully wheelchair accessible, I had to get some new flooring & have a complete change in the bedroom. This includes built-in wardrobes with easy-slide panels. I had a radical de-clutter when we moved & a lot of stuff went to upcycling, recycling & charity. I got rid of my bedroom tv. I just have my books & my little digital radio by my bedside. It’s so much better for when my anxiety becomes overwhelming.
I also re-organised the lounge so that I could get around it better. All is nearly in place. My partner & I said we’d re-paint the hallway & the kitchen ourselves, but we haven’t started that yet. We’re still recovering from the move!

I’m not adding any photos of my flat into the blog, even though I’m really proud of what we’ve achieved, including the art deco-style bedroom. Our home is our private space.

With the inside almost done, we turned our attention to the garden. We’re in the process of redesigning the raised beds. We started with the end of the garden where we had the new brick wall – that’s the one in the photo. We’ve tried some new plants that are more suitable for the changing climate – we’re excited to see how they grow. We’ve got a little Buddha statue & a stone birdbath. It’s the first time I could put my family plaque (rescued from the cemetery who were recycling burial plots, very distressing!) in the garden. It’s so relaxing looking out onto this area.

Towards the end of July, my partner & I were able to take a proper holiday – so we went to Primadonna for part of it (LOL, it’s a ‘busman’s holiday’ for us because we work in live music!) Actually I worked a little bit for Primadonna but it didn’t feel like work to me: I was given the opportunity of a lifetime that wasn’t associated with access, disability or cancer.

I happen to know a lot about Britpop. Well, to be honest, I know a lot about many decades of music movements & trends! I’m delighted that a load of books have come out in the last couple of years about Goth, The Scene That Celebrates Itself, Shoegazing & Britpop.
Because I know a lot about Britpop & in fact, some of my friends & acquaintances ended up in these bands (no naming here!) I was asked to lead an “In Conversation with Jane Savidge – on Pulp, Britpop & how fame can let you down.” Yes, it’s that Jane Savidge, co-founder of Savage & Best PR. Yes, that’s the same Jane Savidge that invented Britpop!

I said yes but I was absolutely terrified of having to interview her in public because I was afraid of messing up. Then I remembered, cancer changed all that & my new motto is to feel the fear & do it anyway from now on.

I spent the next month cramming all three of Jane’s books & reading past interviews, reminding myself of really good times with friends & just how good the Britpop bands were – well, ‘are’ I should say because some are still releasing music & touring. I came up with a comprehensive list of questions on Jane’s book about Pulp’s album “This Is Hardcore” & Jarvis Cocker’s breakdown after ‘That Brits 1996 Incident’ with Michael Jackson (yep, let’s not go there!), & some wider questions about Britpop (e.g. if Oasis hadn’t have come along & gone global, would Suede have been bigger – & like me & my best friend, Jane thinks yes). Jane & I had a couple of email exchanges & a Zoom call to organise what we were doing, & then the evening was upon us.

I’m not going to review our ‘In Conversation’ because what goes on tour, stays on tour’, & it was ‘of the moment.’ However, I’d like to say that Jane was very kind & generous in her conversation with me which I really appreciated.

It was great to have Jane’s insight on events that we think we know about, & we all have an opinion on, but of course, we know nothing to the extent that Jane knows because she was at the heart of it all. The Marquee Stage was full & we had some really interesting questions from the audience. I really, really enjoyed myself.

I hadn’t been happy like that for ages.

Furthermore, the Primadonna festival crew met all my access requirements & the stage was set up like a dream for me. That made me relax so much as well. It’s surprising how bad onstage access can affect your performance (take note, promoters!)

I’ve written about Primadonna in a previous blog. It’s still an oasis of calm in a very big, brash world. It’s LIGHT YEARS away from the ‘Burger & Pint’ festivals that I spent years attending. I’m so over being pushed around by fat, balding men with triple A passes, bellowing ‘importantly’ into radios, with their trousers falling down, arse cracks showing. Those days have long gone. Now I want a calm, female / non-binary-dominated crew who are approachable, friendly & treat everyone with respect. I’m happy to report that Primadonna is still very much like its strapline “The World As It Should Be.” It was my partners’ birthday on the Saturday & a couple of our colleagues came down & we had a brilliant day exploring the rest of the festival, discovering new writers & new artists.

We also made all our journeys by train, except for two taxi rides to & from the London train stations but these were electric vehicles. I’m trying to stick with my conviction to travel sustainably when I can.

But the awful reality of living in Britain hit a week later. This is a story for another time, but I’m very aware of the Far Right throughout history & I’ve been waging my own personal war against them since I was 14. What I’m currently witnessing in the UK is Facism, Racism & Islamophobia on our streets. I’m calling it out for what it is. I’m disgusted that life-long friends & colleagues feel terror on our streets & in their homes. Our lovely art group of cancer survivors have had to cancel our art trip to the Serpentine this weekend because of trouble potentially brewing again. We are each other’s support network, we rely on frequent contact & it’s totally unfair that we’ve been prevented from meeting.

Amidst the terror, I received some sad news about a great friend of mine who spent his life bringing communities together. One of my recent blogs was about the passing of an influential man in my life, my consultant, Dr. Richard Morgan. This week, another of my mentors passed – my ex-Manager Roger Robinson OBE. Roger was an absolute legend. He was one of the great socialists of Britain & I think he holds the record of the longest serving Labour councilor in the UK. He was Mayor during 2001 to 2002. He was conferred Alderman of Camden when he retired as a councilor. Disabled himself, he was a huge supporter & thought-leader on Disability Rights. He used to give us (my colleagues & volunteers) time off to go on demos, because he believed passionately about the right to peaceful protest (my Dad says his proudest moment was Roger & I being quoted by several broadsheets on the front page whilst demo-ing outside Downing Street because Disability Benefits were about to get cut). When we squabbled at work, he reminded us that we all had to get on, because we spent longer with each other than we did with our families!

Every time it was bin collection day, he used to go up & down the corridor with a rubbish bag shouting “bring out your dead!” (Monty Python). He instigated “Quality Time” where we’d all stop an hour earlier on a Friday & have white wine & other treats. News of this reached other organisations in the area, so they started turning up for “Quality Time” as well! We had a day trip out every summer. I remember Capel Manor, East London, with fondness as he loved seeing the piggies (he adopted a pig, he adored pigs). We had Christmas dinner each December & we also celebrated other faith days. He set up a generous Pension scheme for us which I’m entirely grateful for because I’m going to be financially secure in later life.

Roger made sure that everyone was included – he founded organisations & groups that stretched across neighbourhoods & faiths. He believed in helping others & he improved their lives. And there were countless other individual acts of support that he gave willingly & without credit, to others, that fundamentally changed their lives for the better.

I’ll remember Roger fondly, especially in the quiet moments & places that I’m seeking out at this present time. He taught me so much about the world & about people. He’d absolutely hate the riots that were happening now, but I know that he’d be totally in the middle of the action, bringing people together & encouraging them not to tear each other apart.

I’m resolved to #BeMoreRoger & I encourage you to be too.

Photo credit: Ham & High.

Alt text: An elderly man dressed in a suit & tie, holding a framed certificate & smiling. The text says: ‘Obituary: Long-serving Camden councillor Roger Robinson. 6th August. Camden Council.